Well I don’t really know what to write – I am still shattered, but many of you have asked me for an update, so I thought I better do a post.
As the title suggests, we were not successful with our last embryo transfer. For us, our family is complete, just the one gorgeous little cherub.
We were given the news on Monday, Myla’s second birthday. I was expecting it, but nevertheless it was a hard blow to hear the words negative. I cried, a lot. I was at work and there was no one around. There’s only so much you can do to prepare yourself for the worst, it’s a whole lot different when you hear it.
So off home I went to celebrate Myla’s second birthday.
It’s been a weird week. I go from feeling totally ok about it, to being absolutely devastated about the news. There’s been a lot of crying. When I think about it too much I cry a lot. When I think about Myla not having a sibling, or the joys that a new baby brings along, I cry.
It s more the unknown that worries me. What is something happens to Myla? How will I be without any children? What if something happens to Michael and I? How will Myla go being alone? Who will take care of her? What about when Michael and I are old and need care? Is that all going to come down to Myla? What if Myla moves away? What if Myla doesn’t want to have children? Who will give us our grandchildren?
And then I have these images in my head of 2 kids playing together whilst mum and dad look with love. Isn’t that what a family is meant to be?
But of course there are good things too. No more sleepless nights with a newborn baby – god knows I hated those days. Sleep deprived zombie – no thank you. More money to go round for the 3 of us. Perhaps more overseas holidays? And of course it’s always easier to find someone willing to watch 1 child rather 2. In fact it’s easier to take 1 child with you rather than 2. Maybe we can afford to send Myla to private schools? Dancing and soccer after school?
I know I am getting ahead of myself, but that’s me. I just don’t think of the here and now, I think a lot about the what if? That’s my problem I suppose.
I also been quite mad this week, thinking about people (or person) I know who have multiple children and don’t give a shit about them. I can’t imagine ever letting Myla suffer the pain I have this week (and at other times in my life) and yet not be there to comfort her. Why do some people have many kids and not want to spend time with them, love them, support them? Why when Michael and I desperately want one more little baby to love? Just doesn’t seem fair? Seems a bit backwards to me.
I also never say never. Whilst right now. for us, surrogacy is 100% off the agenda, you never know what the future might bring. If Medicare changes the laws and allows surrogacy IVF to be covered under Medicare, we may give it another go. If we win lotto, we have give it a go. I am only 36 this year so have a little time on my side. But I just can’t be living in hope. I need to live my life for what it is now. Our lives have somewhat been put on hold whilst we have been pursuing surrogacy. So much has emotionally and financially been invested and put on hold for this. So for now we need to be able to live in the here and now. I am not giving up, as some people might think. I am choosing it live my life as it is.
I will continue to work on the Medicare campaign though – whether we benefit from it or others do – it has do be done!
Of course I cannot end my blog without a huge thank you to Chloe. Without Chloe there was no hope. Whilst things did not go as planned, Chloe has still offered us the most amazing gift. We did not know Chloe a few months ago. But she met us and agreed to do what she could to have a baby for us. I mean how amazing is that? What a wonderful, selfless, generous person she is.
In the past few months Chloe has attended a million doctor appointments, had blood squeezed from her, but needles poked in all parts of her body, been prodded and poked, taken a zillion drugs and unpleasant creams, been on crazy hormones for months on end, had to endure all the questions about being a surrogate and all whilst continuing to look after her own family. She has never once complained
We will forever be grateful for everything Chloe and her family have done for us. We have got to know her, Matt and the kids very well. I hope our families will be friends for a long time. I honestly don’t think Chloe realises how amazing she is. But she is. Don’t ever forget that Chloe, you are amazing!!!
So whilst this is probably the end of my posts for my blog, I hope the information I have provided might assist others coming behind me in their surrogacy paths. For those starting out, hold on tight, it’s a tough roller coaster ride. One that does not guarantee a happy ending, but for me something that had to be done. If we did not try, we might have lived always wondering. So I know have no regrets, I will never look back and wonder. I will always know that Michael and I did everything we could. But it was always meant to be just us three.