Negative

So today we got the news that our first little embryo did not make it. Chloe is not pregnant; there will be no baby in 9 months.

This is going to be a self-pity post, so if you don’t want to hear it, close the post now. I make no apologies for this post. I said from the outset of my blog that this would be an honest diary of the process and my feelings. I don’t expect anyone’s sympathy from this post. I just want to record my feelings of right now and also make others aware of the shit we go through in this process.

I will also say up front, that it goes without saying, yes it’s not the end of the world, I’m not dying and I already have one beautiful girl. Yes I am blessed and I know it. Yes I am better off than most people. But this is my time to feel like shit – if you don’t want to hear it, again close this post now.

This two week wait, as it is known in IVF land – is down right torture. The days following the transfer are full of hope and positive thinking. Dreaming of having a baby in 9 months and what that might look like. Will it be a boy or a girl? How nice it will be to be a family of 4.

Then the home pregnancy testing starts. The first one is negative. That’s ok its early days, plenty of time. Then the second and third is negative. Hang on a minute is that a positive or am I just doing wishful thinking.

Then you start thinking it’s going to be negative. But hang on, maybe it’s still too early, maybe we still have a chance.

You can’t sleep, you’re frustrated, you’re irritable, and then for me you start eating a load of chocolate to fill that whole. Then you count down the days until the official blood test. You think of nothing else but that end result.

You see a baby, you cry, you see something about miracles, you hope you cry. I cried pretty much everyday since Tuesday. About everything, anything. I see people’s post about their pregnancies, their dreams their hopes about their babies. It hits you right in your heart. Your happy for them, but it sucks all the same.

By today I had all but given up hope. I was expecting a negative, but in the back of my mind had a little bit of hope.

Today I have been watching the clock, checking my phones not on silent, yes its still working.

Then the nurse calls, and I feel that little bit of hope rise inside. Please say positive, please say positive. She says its negative. At that point my world comes crashing down. I try to think logically. It was our first time, statistics show it’s unlikely to get pregnant first time. Women have a zillion negatives before they get a positive. We have one beautiful daughter. We have another embryo. We still have hope.

Then the next second I am in tears again.

I went to see Chloe this afternoon. When she opens the door its clear she has been crying. Whilst she logically knows she did nothing to contribute to the negative result, she can’t help thinking what did she do wrong, what could she have done better. Of course I reassure Chloe that she has been perfect and there is nothing is could have done, it is what it is.

Chloe assures me she wants to go again. But she also says she can’t believe what an emotional time this has been for her. She says she did not realise that she would have so much emotionally invested in this. It’s hard for us all. It’s hard for me seeing someone who is helping me so upset about the result. I want to comfort her but I am also suffering my own pain, I do what I can do reassure her that we appreciate everything she has done for us so far.

Since I started this surrogacy path, I have met some amazing women. Women who have been through so much heartache, suffering life changing medical conditions and many many negatives. I have heard of women having 16 negatives and these women have no children. So who am I to be devastated over a negative when I have one perfect little girl and this was my first negative. Why should I have got a positive first time round?

And then the anger sets in. Women are popping out unwanted children everyday. Everyday! Other women say I think I’ll have 3 kids and boom they have 3 kids. Why do other women suffer such devastation to try and complete their families. Why? This is just SHIT!

And then there is the friggin government who hands out money to infertile couples to under go IVF, but if you need a surrogate too, forget about it. You’re on your own. My IVF round so far has cost friggin $17,000 – that’s right $17,000!!!! For one single friggin round. If the government had helped us it would be more like $4000. The pressure wouldn’t be on that this next little embryo makes it. We could do another round, get more eggs, no problem.

So much about this makes me so pissed off. It’s just not fair. Then I have to deal with the friends and family who think I shouldn’t be doing surrogacy at all. Really? Who the frig are you to say how many children I should have. Don’t sit there on your high horse popping out as many kids as you like and then tell me I should be thankful for one (see above – I AM THANKFUL!!!!).

Tomorrow will be another day and I will pick myself up and I will thank my blessing and I will keep going. I will pray and I will hope that my last little embryo makes it to be my beautiful baby. But today I will grieve and I will be PISSED that I don’t get what most of the female population get and that is to have as many kids as I like. And that even in attempting to have a child it costs me a friggin million dollars!

There have been plenty of people that have supported me through this shit time. Mostly my fantastic work colleagues Claire, Natalie and Sharon. Also my fantastic surrogacy groups, many people I don’t know, many I’ve never met, many who have had a zillion negatives themselves but yet are still there for me – Jen, Kim and Merri and many others.

Wow glad to get that off my chest – feel better.

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7 Responses to Negative

  1. kretop says:

    Can I join your pity party?

    I just signed up to start a blog to document my journey with all this crap too. I have 8 frozen embryos and if those don’t work, I’m out of luck. I’m tired of hearing “what’s meant to be will be.”

    I still have to find a surrogate to carry our embryos, but I am in line to get on this emotional roller coaster. I wish you both all the best!

  2. Irina Vodar says:

    Melissa,
    I’m very sorry to hear about your negative results, particularly since you are really putting all of your heart and soul out there to make a difference in the world, and probably in some corner of your being know that it should count as an extra point in your favor up in the skies.  I’ve been there.

    I shrug in horror remembering the weeks following the negative results. At some point I started planning all of my social activities within the 2 week waiting period, when there’s a boost of energy, knowing that afterwards I might plunge into anti-social aloofness at best.

    Be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself well. Mourn, sit Shiva, decisively go through it so you can emerge renewed on the other side. When I got the negative results with my first surrogacy attempt, I went to Kundalini yoga to exercise and meditate. In my mind’s eye I flew back to the incubator where I saw my embryos last and bid them farewell. There’s a validity in this pain and loss, it breaks open the reality of our existence and exposes nerve endings to show full emotional power of life head on.

    As heartbreaking as it is, there’s another chance. My heart goes out to you.
    Big hug.

  3. lenette says:

    melissa, i’m angry up there with you, you have every right to be a mother, i agree with you about family,don’t mind them, there not in your shoes and they have not travelled your shoes, they are not to judge, i feel your pain and anger,especially when the government hands out money for people to spit children out and there only wanting the money not the child, i see it here every day.
    remember, i love you my lissy and my love and support is with you all the way. i hope god will bless you the next time around, my prayers and heart is with you.xxxx

  4. I’m so sorry. I am angry right along with you that surrogacy doesn’t get paid for. It’s unfair and it sucks that all the emotional stress has to get compounded tenfold by financial burdens. It’s a lot to endure. Don’t let go of your hope. Sending prayers that success and happiness and relief are all just around the corner for you!

  5. Stephanie says:

    I’m very sorry. I know I’m not quite in the same boat as you, but a similar one. That negative sucks so bad. I think what sucks worse is that terrible long wait to start trying again and the wait after THAT to potentially get another negative. Absolute torture. And I’m totally with you on the part about other women getting pregnant on accident and I often wonder how in the heck that can happen! It definitely does not seem fair. I’m thinking of you though–I have my fingers crossed that next round will be more successful for you all. Hugs!

  6. Kate Torney says:

    I am angry with you Melissa. I agree with every word you say. I feel your complete and utter agony and anger at the unfairness of this situation we find ourselves forced into. I wish we could have more control over this and I wish we had more chances. I am with you, utterly in this horrendous journey and I hope more than you am imagine that somehow we get to the end of this nightmare and can breathe a sigh of relief and move on with our lives, hopefully the lives that we wish for but either way, just get in with our lives and recover from this awful emotional turmoil. I am angry with humour and thank you for vocalising this so well. Xx

  7. makiely says:

    Reblogged this on medicareless and commented:

    For those not familiar with the pain of a negative result after an embryo transfer to a surrogate – you may wish to read this.

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