Well I must say, I am overwhelmed by the level of interest and support in our surrogacy story. Thank you to everyone who has supported us.
As you can imagine this is a rather stressful and nerve racking process. I find I think about the surrogacy every hour of the day. I guess keeping a record of it, helps me focus my nervous energy onto something else, other than just being nervous about the surrogacy.
I am a worry wart naturally. Anything that is big, I worry about it. I have over the years gotten better with this. I always think to myself “don’t worry about things you have no control over”, “don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet” but it is at times easier said than done.
- I am nervous that Chloe and Matt might change their mind. Perhaps their personal circumstances might change and they think surrogacy will be too much of a burden to their lives.
- I am nervous that my egg quality may not be good enough, that the cancer has affected them or that my old age has impacted them. I am also nervous that Michael’s sperm quality may not be good enough.
- I am nervous that maybe I won’t produce many eggs for egg retrieval, or we won’t make enough embryos, or we won’t make enough good quality embryos.
- I am nervous that Chloe won’t get pregnant first time, or second time or ever. That we will run out of embryos.
- I am worried about how much it is all costing. Yes I know money should not be an issue when it comes to completing your family. But we are not rolling in it. We have bills to pay and a family to support. Are we doing the right thing by investing so much money in a process that may not even result in a child?
- I am nervous how long this will all take, I am not the most patient person, when I want something, I want it now! What if it takes numerous cycles before Chloe gets pregnant? Will I go insane in the process?
- I am nervous that I will annoy Chloe and Matt. How much contact with them is ok? Will I contact them too much? Will I not contact them enough? Will they expect too much from me, will I expect too much from them?
- I am also concerned about how I will feel when Chloe is pregnant. Will I be jealous? Will I be able to bond with the baby?
- What about when the baby is born? Will the doctors and hospital treat Michael and I as the parents, or will Chloe be required to make all the decisions about our baby.
- And probably most importantly, will Chloe and Matt hand the baby to us? Whilst at this stage I have no doubt that Chloe and Matt are being completely honest with us and have no desire to keep the child, there is always going to be that slight concern in the back of my mind.
So yeah, I’ve got a lot on my mind. So given all the above, I sometimes get into that “poor me” frame of mind:
- why can’t I just get pregnant like everyone else!
- why don’t I get to carry my baby and feel my precious baby move!
- why is it going to cost us a zillion dollars to have a baby!
- why do I have to rely on doctors, lawyers, counsellors and even complete strangers to have another baby!
- why don’t I get to enjoy that delight when people notice your pregnant belly and ask you when your due!
- why do I have to endure people’s opinions and comments about surrogacy, when all I want is to complete my family!
But then I remember I have so much to be thankful for. Why focus on the negative, when there is so much to be thankful for.
- I am thankful that I have already had the amazing experience of being pregnant and having a child naturally. Many women do not get this opportunity, so I am certainly grateful to have had that experience.
- I am so thankful that I was able to be have a hysterectomy and survive cancer and given the opportunity to see my baby girl grow up
- I am so thankful for modern day medicine and for it be possible to have a baby despite not having a uterus
- I am so thankful for Chloe and Matt, their amazing generous nature, being so courageous to become involved in such a life changing experience and fulfil the dreams of Michael and I to have another child
- Most of all I am just thankful to have my precious family – my loving husband Michael and gorgeous little girl Myla.
Some time after being diagnosed with cancer but being told I would survive, I made the conscious decision to live my life thankful for what I have and not to focus on what I don’t have. I didn’t want to be one of those people who live their life “poor me” and “life isn’t fair”. I want to live my life being so happy for life itself and all the joy it brings me. I also decided I wanted to surround myself by people who live this way and reduce time spent with those who don’t.
But I am not perfect; I know that I’m going to get down sometimes. I know this process of surrogacy is not going to be easy. So whenever I feel totally overwhelmed, stressed, nervous, or “poor me”, I am going to use this blog as an honest outlet for me. But I am also going to use this blog to remind myself of what’s important to me, that I have so many things to be thankful for and that I am luckier than many.